Should Dating Be a Mission Field?

I can’t tell you how many stories I’ve heard of people who liked someone from school or work who wasn’t a Christian and were convinced they could bring them to Christ. When all seems to be going well, they leave the church because he isn’t interested in being a Christian or he comes and pretends to be saved only to leave when he’s got a ring on her finger. 

So what is to be done, aren’t we supposed to reach people for Jesus, what if your crush gets saved, wouldn’t that be cool to have your happily ever after? 

Excuses, excuses

Let’s debunk a few arguments that I’ve heard for Christians marrying or being in a relationship with non-Christians. 

One is “He doesn’t believe the same as I do but he’s fine with me being a Christian! He even supports it and comes to church with me.” 

All the alarm bells in my head go off when I hear something like this. Firstly, as the saying goes “a man convinced against his will is of the same opinion still” meaning, that dragging your unsaved crush or boyfriend to church won’t make them suddenly desire to be saved. Also, trying to convince him to be saved because you want you and him to work out won’t be effective either, he may start to change (or pretend to) but the truth is God needs to save him, not you. 

Second, if you did get married to this guy and he had never really gotten saved or was just “cool with” you being a Christian, you would quickly find out how hard it is to be married to him. When he didn’t feel like going to church, he wouldn’t need to because you would already be his, he no longer needs to impress you or put on an act for others. 

Another thing I hear is, “Aren’t we called to tell people about Jesus? When we spend time together I’m always witnessing to him.”

Praise God that you have the heart to witness, that is great, but the Bible also says bad company corrupts good character (1 Corinthians 15:33). If you have a friend that you want to be saved, yes tell them about Jesus, invite them to church, and pray for them. There is still no reason for you to spend excessive amounts of time with them (this is good for both boy and girl friends by the way). As much as you would like to think that you can be a good influence on them and win them to Christ, sadly, often the reverse happens. They can begin to influence you for the worse. If you think this is wrong because God is greater than the things of the world (1 John 4:4, while this is true) it doesn’t excuse you from choosing to hang out with people or a guy who will influence you for the worse (Proverbs 13:20). 

Still, another argument is, “Well, he comes to church, he’s on the right track he’s just struggling right now.” 

No, no, no! If you are desiring to marry a man of God, the boy who merely “attends church” is not that guy! If he is in church, that’s great, if he is not saved he is no different from some random guy from your school or work. The Bible clearly states that we should not be unequally yoked with unbelievers “What fellowship has righteousness with unrighteousness” (2 Corinthians 6:14). Marriage is a commitment to someone, a joining of yourself to another person, what business do you as a Christian women have pursuing any sort of serious committed relationship with an unsaved guy? 

What can you do?

Listen, most of us have experienced crushes on unsaved guys, maybe a boy from school, or a cute guy that goes to church with his parents but isn’t really saved. The initial attraction isn’t wrong, we are created to be attracted to the opposite sex, however, when you realize that he is not a Christian you should move on. 

If you do invite a guy friend whom you like or are interested in to come to church, it’s best to introduce them to a saved guy in the church who can be his friend and follow up on him. You can still be his friend but it is not your job to keep him in church or disciple him. In fact, if he does give his life to Jesus the best thing you can do for him is step back. If you are constantly interacting with him you can easily distract him and cause him to be more interested in you than the things of God (which is also not something to be desired in a husband).  

Maybe you like a guy who is in the church but you know from his lifestyle that he is not saved, you should first check your heart and ask yourself what it is that you are attracted to in him since he is not a Christian. If you like his smile, share similar interests, or appreciate his talents, those are things to take note of, you can add them to the list of things that you desire in a husband since you have seen those traits and been attracted to them. However, if you like his rebelish “bad boy” attitude, or his outlook on life, you are desiring and being enticed by the world. If you continue to pursue a relationship with this guy it will most likely end in hurt. 

Trusting God’s plans

The truth is, that missionary dating is never a good idea. It is also a sign of impatience on our part. When you try to get someone who isn’t saved into church or saved simply because you like them it shows that you are not willing to wait for God’s plan for your life.

Jeremiah 29:11

“For I know the plans I have for you,” says the Lord. “They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope.

God’s thoughts and plans are higher than ours, yet, they are good (Isaiah 55:8-9). He wants what is best for you. A crucial aspect of the Christian life is learning to wait, not only for a spouse but for many other things. There are times in life when you will become impatient as you wait for God’s will, in those times do not turn to your own devices to make what you want to happen come to pass. 

This is the mistake that Abraham and Sarah (Abram and Sarai at the time) made back in the Old Testament. Sarah was impatient and she didn’t truly believe that she would be able to have a son (even though God had promised!!). So she told Abraham to take her maidservant Hagar and try to have a child through her and, what do you know, it worked! Hagar had a son, Ishmael, and things were going great for a while, it seemed like Sarah was able to work the system and make God’s plan happen all on her own. Then, just like clockwork, exactly when God said, Sarah conceived and had the son of promise, Isaac. When Isaac was born, Sarah did not need Hagar or Ishmael, she became angry with them and sent them away. From Ishmael came a great nation that has fought with and caused issues for the Israelites ever since (modern-day Arabs, read the full story in Genesis 16, and 21).

The reason I tell that story is because many times we can be like Sarah, not willing to wait for God’s perfect plan to come to pass. When we attempt to circumvent His plan by our own schemes, it usually ends in trouble. We can be redeemed and God’s plan can still work out, as we see in the story, but it will be at no little cost to us. There will still be consequences to face. 

I encourage you, if you find yourself liking a guy who isn’t a Christian pray for God to help you to wait on Him. If it is God’s will for that man to get saved and you to marry Him, GOD will work it out, you constantly butting your head in the way can hinder God’s plan for you and for him. Step back and let God take charge of your life, and his.